It's the end of another Mother's Day and all the kids are in bed. We
watched two movies today so I decided to opt out of another movie with
Steve and come upstairs to blog. I noticed a few blog drafts I had
written but not posted. I opened them up and found this guest post I did
for a friend of mine for a blog 5 years ago. I thought, "What a crazy
coincidence that of all the days for me to read this it was on Mother's
Day." It was bittersweet reading it. But reminded me once again how
important it is to cherish the people we love while we still have them.
Mom and Friend
I will be the first to admit (and have many family and
friends that can confirm) that my mom and I didn’t always get along while I was
growing up. From about age 11 to age 17 most of our conversations were
arguments. I remember after a particularly bad fight my mom started crying and
said that her biggest dream was that one day we could be friends. I remember
walking to my room thinking to myself “Yeah right, like anyone is friends with
their mom”.
The summer before my senior year of high school I had an
“aha moment”. I realized I would be moving out of the house in about a year and
would probably never live with my family again. I would see them on holidays
for brief periods, but would never have the one on one opportunities I have
with them now. I made a decision. I decided to stop fighting with my family and
not only embrace every moment we had together, but make time to have those
moments. My mom was by far the hardest to do this with. I had shut her out for
so long it was hard to let her in.
As time went by and we started to open up to each other I
began to see how much my mom truly loved me. She was so eager to please me and
make me happy. She would have done anything for me. The Christmas of my senior
year of high school something happened I will never forget. Every birthday and
Christmas since I can remember, my mom would buy me some kind of clothing. A
shirt, pants, coat…something. Every birthday and Christmas since I can
remember, I would say I didn’t like them, return it, and get something else. As
a selfish teenager, I never thought anything of it. I didn’t like it-so I got
something else. End of story. This Christmas I was handed a gift to open and
saw it was from my mom. I could tell it was some kind of clothing. I looked up
at my mom and saw something I had never noticed before-nervous anticipation. There
was a longing and hoping in her eyes, that I would like what she had bought. I
opened the gift. I was holding a pair of pajamas. The top was the ugliest shade of
brown I have ever seen. On the front was a large picture of Tweety Bird dressed
as a cowboy saying something like “Lasso up some dreams”. The bottoms were
light blue fleece with small pictures of cowboy Tweety Birds and sheriff badges
all over. I have never cared for Tweety (especially as a 17 year old) and
thought they were hideous. But as I held the pajamas I imagined my mom going up
and down the aisles of the store trying to find something her teenage daughter
would like. I could imagine her seeing these pajamas and thinking, “Tweety’s cute
right? She would like these”. Holding
the pajamas I looked up at her holding her breath. She finally asked, “Do you
like them?” …. I said, “Yes! They are way cute mom.” I cry every time I
remember her face when I said that. She got the biggest smile on her face.
“Really? You like them? Tweety’s not too little girly?” I told her no, that
Tweety was super cute and that they looked so comfortable. The rest of the morning,
she was floating on air.
The next several years, my mom and I grew apart a little
bit. Not because I necessarily shut her out, I just didn’t make time for her. I
moved away to college and 2 years later was married. It wasn’t until I became
pregnant with my first child that we really came together again. I was scared.
I had no idea what I was doing. I had dreams almost every night that I was this
horrible mother. My mom didn’t miss a beat. She was available to talk 24/7, and
reassured me every day what an incredible mother I would be. When I had the baby,
she was in the hospital room with me for 10 hours. I don’t even remember her
leaving to eat lunch or dinner. She stayed with me for a week to help with the
new baby. I cried for an hour when she left. For the next 3 years I think I
called her not only every day but multiple times a day. It started as asking
for advice but it transitioned to just talking. We talked about anything and
everything. For the first time in my life, I didn’t see my mom as a mom. I saw
her as a woman.
My small family and my mom and dad both moved to Cedar City,
UT in November of 2010. My husband was going back to school, and to save money
we asked my parents if we could live together for the first year. My mom and I
were in heaven. We loved living together! When she needed me, I was there for her. But
more often than not-she was there for me. She worked in the morning and then
watched my little boy while I worked in the afternoon and evening to put my
husband through school. We both worked together in the children’s Sunday School
at church. We did almost everything together. We exercised, cooked, cleaned,
shopped, watched tv and movies… everything. I truly was sad when we decided to
get our own place a year later, even though it was only 10 minutes away.
In April 2012, my mom woke up one morning with double
vision. Over the next few days, she started to have a tingling sensation in one
her hands. That slowly spread to the rest of her arm, her other hand and her
legs. It was not only painful but she also started to lose function of her
limbs. She began a very long few months of going from doctor to doctor and
hospital to hospital and doing hundreds of tests trying to figure out what was
wrong with her. Finally, on August 23, 2012 we got the official answer. My mom
had Leukemia. It was a very rare form that attacked her nervous system. The
doctors had never seen Leukemia like this, which is why it took so long to
diagnose. They life-flighted her to the Huntsman Cancer Center in Salt Lake
City, Utah to start Chemo-therapy.
It was on September 29, 2012 (2 days after my
mom’s 56th birthday) that I sat in the hospital room with my mom,
dad and the doctors and we were told that she had fought a good fight, but she
wasn’t going to survive this battle.
We brought my mom home to spend her last days with family. The
hardest part about this was that the cancer had spread to her brain, so
although she was there, she was very confused and couldn’t communicate very
well. I never really got to say good-bye, not properly.
She died on October 11,
2012.
***
The Week of Mother's Day I decided to give myself a Mother's Day present. Steve was out of town so I asked Jessica to come babysit and gave myself a day off. I started with Lunch with friends, went to a movie by myself (no sharing popcorn!), got a pedicure and then went out for Indian food with my college roommate and friend Tara.
These kids are seriosly my life. I love them more than words can express.
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